It hasn’t been that long ago that I engaged in an online disagreement regarding drug use. A number of mothers, most whose children were still in single digits, adhered to the belief that “allowing” underage, teenage kids to drink at home would teach kids to drink responsibly. I wasn’t surprised at this attitude since I held similar beliefs at one time. I was dismayed, however, at the nastiness that ensued when I and a few others disagreed with them.

Perhaps the reaction of these moms had to do with the fact that we, as parents, don’t like to be told that our actions may hurt our children. We become very defensive, don’t we? And yet, refusing to accept that we could be wrong, completely disregarding opinions that aren’t in line with our own, dismissing all evidence that we just might be making the wrong decision, ends up hurting our children even more than a momentary bad choice on our part.

Here’s the thing about kids and alcohol and allowing them to “drink” as a teaching tool. Teens are dealing with a whole host of brand new feelings. Teens are feeling insecure about themselves and fitting in, anxious about being not quite a kid and not quite an adult, dealing with pressure to succeed in school. Throw in a whole slew of new and intense hormones and you’ve got a person desperate to just “chill.”

Nothing wrong with all that; it’s normal. What is wrong is giving a teen an easy outlet rather than tools for dealing with all of these new situations responsibly. A parent’s intent may not be to show a teen how to “chill” with a beer when life is frustrating. But kids aren’t stupid. A teen feels frustrated, or sad or whatever and dad says it’s okay to have a beer after cutting the grass. The beer makes the teen feel calm. The fear about the upcoming game or the big Biology exam seems to melt away. Parents don’t need to say a word; the lesson has been taught and learned. That beer made everything okay. I feel better.

Alcohol now equals good feelings.

The lesson is subtle but it will be reinforced. The teen has found an easy way to feel better. Since teens (and many adults, too) prefer instant gratification, alcohol becomes the easy, instant solution to the normal lows in every life. Considering the atmosphere of most schools around the country, it won’t be difficult to find other chemicals to take the edge off bad feeling. Pot, xanax, etc., are all readily available. Instead of our teens using these precious years to learn to deal with adversity and negative emotions constructively, we’re teaching them, unwittingly, to drink or smoke or drug their problems away. Is this what we want?

Of course, the best way to teach your kids how to handle alcohol is to show them by example. Drink responsibly, and only occasionally. Or don’t drink at all. Believe it or not, kids will respect your wise choices. And learn from them.